I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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