Your tits are I can't wait for
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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