i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
