The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize