why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
