Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize