yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
