worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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