I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
