Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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