i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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