I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
