cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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