I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
