hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
