That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
