Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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