I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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