The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The adults are the big ones right?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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