I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
