6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
