If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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