If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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