Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You can't motorboat a personality
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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