lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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