Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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