you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
