I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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