She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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