He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize