ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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