So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
