i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
