I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
