Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
