you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
