So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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