i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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