Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
