i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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