Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
