My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
