yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
