I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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