he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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