i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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