Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
