What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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