I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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