bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i think i just lost a toe
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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