best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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