Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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