She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Randomize