my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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