Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
