just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
