moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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