Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
