I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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